Making The Best Of It.

Both myself and Keagan have been isolating since the middle of last week - a few days before the actual lockdown was enforced. We are doing this due to my health conditions putting me at risk. Fortunately, Keagan's boss knows our situation and was happy for Keagan to remain at home to shield me.

Keagan works within a large team in horse racing where most of the team are young, strong and fit. We were all concerned that Keagan could have become infected and brought it home to me if he continued to work. 

So the sensible decision was for Keagan to isolate with me to reduce our contact. While my family live literally at the end of my garden - our gardens meet and we have a gate between the two- we are, as advised, not mixing households. My friends and family are bringing supplies to our door. I am lucky that I do get to see my parents, but of course, we are being extra cautious and they leave supplies on the doorstep, knock the window and then leave our yard and stay outside and chat over the wall.

With this beautiful weather I am grateful for my large garden. Every morning and afternoon I am spending time enjoying the sunshine, reading or just sat watching Asher play. Keagan has also been coming up and the boys have been playing together.

 

 Like most people, we are staying in touch with everyone via the phone, messages and video calls.

I also wanted to let you all know I have been asked to a be a blog tour host for The Coffee Pot Book Club which is ran by Mary Anne Yarde - who is an award-winning, international best selling author. So over the coming months, I will be hosting various authors - posting about their books and interviews. Maybe you'll discover a new author to read!

 

Anyway stay safe everyone and take care. Zoe

Part Two: Finding our way

Firstly I want to thank everyone who read Part One: The First Step. I appreciate all the kind words and praise – but that’s not my motivation for sharing all this. My motivation is to illuminate how I’ve helped someone, in the hope that by sharing my experience of what we went through and encountered that, you dear reader, may find it helpful and perhaps apply that to helping someone close to you.

After my friend opened up to me that day I confess I felt very out of my depth. Like most people, I had some knowledge about mental health illnesses, but in truth, none of it seemed to fit the situation I found myself in. How could I help and support my friend if I didn’t have any idea of what to do?

I went home feeling like I had already let my friend down.

In hindsight, I know the simple things like messaging and ensuring I replied to messages quickly no matter the time of day or night were actually a huge help and comfort. But, it didn’t feel like that to me. Not at the time. It didn’t feel I was doing enough. 

When you care about someone I think it’s very natural to feel that way. To feel you should be doing more. I underestimated the impact of those messages at the start. It was only months down the line that I really understood. 

I urge anyone if you feel someone you know is struggling, please send them a message. Not everyone wants to talk in person, not until they’re ready anyway, so a message can feel less intrusive. They can reply in their own time. Let them know you’re there for them. It really can help them to feel less alone. 

In the weeks that followed, I read and read. Websites, blogs, social media and medical articles. Anything that could possibly give me a insight into what my friend was going through. Did it help? Yes, it gave me a better understanding of what mental health is and what it can do. Did it give me the answers I was looking for? No. Oh there were guidelines, but that all read so impersonal and didn’t seem to fit. None of it told me what to do to help my friend.

I had overlooked the obvious. Only my friend could guide me to what would work for her: what things helped, what things didn't. 

I remember feeling so frustrated by this realisation. You see, I have a number of medical conditions myself and often need help. What I hate most is when someone assumes what help I need. When someone talks/asks other people how to help me or when they start doing something to help without asking. E.g. Reading labels to me when I’m in my wheelchair even though I’m very capable of reading for myself. 

Over time, my friend’s preferences (eg responding to messages quickly, being bluntly honest, respecting her cues re physical contact/hugs) taught me how to help her. How to be effective in helping her. Sometimes it was to bluntly call a spade a spade; sometimes it was to stop talking and allow her the space and time to talk into it; sometimes it was to not hug her until she reached for a hug even though what she was telling me was killing me; and yet sometimes it was to gently provide that hug when she didn’t yet know she needed it. But every time it took honesty and respect in taking the risk of being wrong and then discussing how we could turn that wrong around, so it was positive for us both. 

I won’t lie, at the start, I was scared to ask questions for fear of upsetting my friend. I was scared of doing or saying the wrong thing. I. Was. Scared. Full. Stop. I didn’t want to do anything that would add to the pain and suffering my friend was already experiencing. But, not asking wasn’t helping either.

In supporting someone with mental health illnesses, you need to be open to and able to start facing/ accepting that on occasions you will be wrong; you will say and do the wrong things. But so will the mentally ill person - they will say/do the wrong things too. It’s being able to take that and not let it break you down, and to put your heads together and figure out a way forward that is what helps. 

Sometimes we wouldn't know until we tried - we were both able to be brave and honest and reflective, making changes as needed. To help support a mentally ill friend is an individual and personalised journey - there isn't a list of generalised steps to tick off (though we both wished for one at times). Your mentally ill friend may unconsciously feel pressure to provide you with definite answers - just as you may feel the same pressure. You both have to be open to trying, reflecting and adapting.

My friend didn’t need me to have all the answers nor did she expect me to be perfect. I also came to realise that in order to support my friend, I had to be willing to look in my own mirror and face my own demons because they were going to be echoed back at me throughout.

We had to find a way to help each other. 

It wasn’t easy, but we found our way of doing things. 

Take care Zoe

Part One: The First Step

Part One: The First Step

Nearly three years ago I went to visit my close friend to spend the afternoon as we often did – chatting, laughing, having a cuppa, putting the world to rights with the odd spot of crafting thrown in.

Little did I know my life, our friendship and what I knew about my friend was about to completely change.

You see my friend took that very important first step. 

She told me, through tears, that she could no longer cope alone with the enormity, complexity and consuming mental health illnesses that she had been battling with for years.

She told me she was at breaking point and knew she needed proper help, but couldn’t do it alone. I won’t go into the specific details; however, I did know from the day we met that she had battles with depression, anxiety and grief.

But what I didn’t know was just how deeply rooted her illnesses were as day to day she lived behind a mask and walls – her safety blanket - not allowing anyone to see her without. 

That day I saw my friend without the mask and walls. I watched her crumble in front of me.

I remember guilt hitting me like a tsunami at that point. Why had I not realised? What had I missed? Why hadn’t I seen it? There had to have been clues and I had missed them all. I’d let my friend down.

I had to shake off those feelings pretty quickly because, in truth, there wasn’t anything I could have done. I didn’t know, but once I did I knew I had to be strong, present and I had to learn to listen. 

Those first few weeks and months were difficult for us both as we tried to find our way. My friend found it hard to make small, everyday decisions & actions, and I had to step in and do those for her or with her. Always with her best interests at heart. 

That day triggered a journey that we are still travelling along. Together.

Now, almost three full years on, she is able to make some decisions and actions on her own and the way I step in and help has changed in line with her forward journey. Of course, there are wobbles and set backs – we face those together like we always have. 

I’m incredibly proud of my friend, from the start she has been courageous in seeking and individually attending therapy sessions, although for the majority of the time she was unable to drive so I drove her to her appointments and waited in the car. 

When I couldn’t be with my friend, we messaged. Those check-in messages were vital – we weren’t discussing the usual  - our messages were full of step by step help to complete an action or outpouring emotions that had to come out and then be dealt with in that instant. I was always there at the touch of a button to offer virtual hugs, encouragement and support.

At first, those messages were very frequent – some days every half an hour to an hour. Any time of day or night. Now, we have back and forth messages a couple of times a day. 

Each and every message is still as important. Each saying you’re not alone. 

With everything that has been happening lately and the rise of mental health awareness, I decided to write this series of posts about my personal experience of supporting someone with complex mental health illness and connected conditions.

We’ve experienced so much these last few years. We’ve learned a lot about ourselves and our friendship. We’ve learned about what services are and are not available. We've been through both NHS and private channels in our search for long term professional help. 

Thankfully we did find that help and my friend continues to make progress. We still experience bumps in the road, but I feel we’re better at dealing with them now. 

My friend fully supports my writing of these posts and will contribute her ideas and observations along the way. Together we hope maybe some good may come of it. 

I won’t lie it has been incredibly tough at times. I have been frightened for my friend. Fearful of the effect it may have had on my own mental health. Frustrated at the brick walls we kept running into. My own family have been concerned about me and were worried that the enormity of the situation would be too much for me to handle. I’ve even doubted my own ability to manage it all. 

Despite all of that, I knew I could never walk away from my friend. Here we are nearly three years later having walked many steps together. I just do my best and together we take one step at a time.

Take care Zoe

WOYWW 517 & yes it really is me!!

Well hello everyone especially to my fellow WOYWW over at Julia's Stamping Ground

You may have noticed I have not posted for a very long time. Life has just taken over. So today it is a catch up post of sorts as so many things have changed.

Firstly my craft room has moved!

As many of you know Keagan worked away as his career is in Horse Racing. He only came home for the odd night or so and for his holidays. Anyway I was growing out of my craft room (box room in our house) so I asked if I could have the rooms swapped. Keagan's bedroom is now in the smaller room and my craft room is now in what was his bedroom!

I've much more space and it's so much lighter as I'm not having to stack bookcases on top of each other as I did in other room. I also covered storage boxes with matching wrapping paper and plain kraft paper so it all matches a bit more than it did. I spend a lot of time in my craft room now and have taken up drawing again. I am enjoying my room and crafting. It had got to a point where I stopped crafting as I didn't like being in the small, dark room. BUT now I have a wonderful room to create and enjoy.

At the end of January, Keagan changed jobs. His ambition is to try and work his way up through the Jockey ladder. He currently holds the licence which allows his to race at point to point level. An opportunity arose to work for the record breaking/champion P2P Jockey Will Biddick in his Pre-Training and Breaking yard as a Novice Jockey (Keagan was a work rider previously). 

Will is well known for mentoring young jockeys and helping them progress their careers. So Keagan leapt at the chance and has been working there ever since. It is only 25 mins away from home so Keagan has moved back to live with me.

Keagan has not only raced his own horse Doctor Wong, but he has also been given the opportunity to ride for other owners/trainers which is exactly what he wanted. He has already come 2nd, 3rd and 4th a number of times so that win isn't too far away hopefully!

Thankfully he didn't ask to swap his bedroom back to the bigger room so my craft room remains in its new location!!

I guess the other news again many of you who follow me on other social media will know that I had to have Baxter put to sleep over a year ago now and that I have a new puppy - Asher - who is now 16 months old. He is a Jack Russell. You can see him sleeping on his bed in my craft room. I've had him since he was 8 weeks old.

Family have helped me with him as obviously I needed their help. He is such a wonderful companion who is everything a puppy should be - cheeky, playful and fun, but he is also calm when needed, well behaved and clever. Having him from such a young age has meant I have been able to train him so that he fits in with me. 

Anyway I promise I will try and join in with WOYWW regularly and hope to post more often.

Take care Zoe

WOYWW 440

Well go me! 

I go months with no WOYWW posting and then I go and post 2 weeks on the trot. Well I hope my fellow desk dashers are pleased to see me as I am delighted to be back.

So I took these earlier today. 

Christmas card making. I confess most of my cards this year will be shop bought or digitally designed and posted onto people's Facebook or email. But for close family and best friends I am making.

Inspired by this gorgeous paper pad I bought when I went to the new Hobbycraft store in Bath.

So you can see the pile of already made base cards awaiting their sentiments and seals. Washi tape and tools. And a finished card. Can you spot what is wrong with it?

I am waiting on some more gold sealing wax being delivered today hopefully. Not sure you can tell but it is the Hogwarts seal I am using!

I am also the proud owner of a new WOYWW badge that is standing on my Ottlite base. Julia kindly sent me one when she also kindly sent me a fabulous horse and jockey stamp.

So that's me this week. I will pop by at some point so have that kettle on ready for coffee! 

Take care Zo xx

WOYWW 439

I can't believe I am saying this but this is my first WOYWW of the year - please bear with me and apologies for long post!

Those of you who know me and are following on other social media will know my life has changed alot this year. I still craft occasionally, but have lost my mojo big time. This has been hampered by inability to sit/stand at my desk for too long and my creativity concentration is poor.

I am also supporting one of my dearest friends who has suffered greatly this year with her Depression and Anxiety. I've needed my strength to be there for her, help her by driving her to appointments and spending time with her when she's needed me.

The biggest change in my life happened just over six months ago. You all know I am a massive Bristol Rovers fan - well earlier this year in conjunction with the Supporters club, they held a meeting for disabled supporters with a view to starting an Official Bristol Rovers Disabled Supporters Association.

I went to this meeting and came home having agreed, along with another gentleman, to set up and run the DSA.

I am officially Zoe Kirkby - Secretary BRFC DSA

Yep. That. Is. Massive. Secretary doesn't really cover it. I am more like a DLO - Disability Liaison Officer/Secretary!

So over the last six months we have worked hard to set up the DSA. Not an easy task. You see there wasn't anything in place. I had to set up email/Paypal, work out procedures and daily admin. Sort a bank account. Create membership. Sort a website. Liaise with Bristol Rovers and all other football clubs who visit Rovers. 

Myself and Clive (the other chap who has taken on role as Chair) have met up a number of times to plan, prepare and get things running.

Which led to us holding our first open meeting in September.

I am loving my role and am passionate about what I am doing. We've already made a difference - asking the club to put in place shelters over wheelchair areas, more accessible toilets and also how away fans are greeted. We are working with the club to ensure matchdays are enjoyable for all. There's still so much to do. But slowly we will get there.

So my desk - well I thought I would share photos from my recent meetings because that's what my desk looks like these days!

So first pics are from Yeovil Town FC. I attended a meeting that saw all clubs in the South West and South Wales being invited. Over 30 delegates attended.

 Couldn't resist having a pic with Yeovil Town Manager Darren Way!

These are our view across Huish Park - Yeovil's ground.

I've been issued a Staff Pass which grants me general access around The Memorial Stadium - so I can go anywhere in our stadium including the away end which allows me to go and meet and greet the disabled away fans. (Yes I know my name is spelt wrong)

 I am meeting lots of people in my role and last Friday I was invited to meet the new Commercial Director at Rovers to chat over coffee! Tom Gorringe is a fantastic guy who is very supportive of what we are trying to do.

 In between everything I am resting up as this takes a huge effort on my part. But I wouldn't change it. I feel my confidence and self esteem have both positively increased. I feel confident I can go into any meeting or event and be able to hold my own. In fact, I have been asked to speak at a meeting at the end of the month. It's a networking meeting for businesses owned by Rovers supporters.

Of course, in between all of this I see my boy, Keagan. He has finally passed his driving test so can come home by himself. However he has a horse now that he is training ahead of the new Point to Point season starting so I only see him once every 2 -3 weeks. 

Right that's me. Will pop round to see you all over the next few days.

Take care Zoe xx

 

Hello 2017 - plans, positives & products!

Happy New Year everyone.

2016 was full of health problems, new conditions & a scare that thankfully turned out to be ok.

Now I'm fully aware of what is causing my problems & how to manage everything I'm feeling really positive about 2017.

2017 is going to be about what I can do. 

I've already registered a place on the waiting list to do the wheelchair climb of the O2 arena!

I also want to lose weight. 

I wanted to find something that I could focus on, reward myself along the way so I've bought a Motivacelet.

It's a bracelet that you add beads to as you lose those pounds. The more you lose the prettier your bracelet. A real positive way to stay determined. I've bought enough beads to match what I want to lose.

Of course it's a pretty blue!

There's a bigger bead for half a stone and a pretty heart for that whole stone!

This will be a journey for me - no quick fixes - just me eating better & looking after myself properly.

 

We had a lovely Christmas. Keagan even managed to get home for a few hours. He had to work first thing Christmas morning. My dad went down for when he finished to bring him home & then my parents took him back at 8pm as he had to work again Boxing day. The joys of working in professional sport!

Me and my boy on Christmas day.

 

Those of you who pop in here regularly will have seen my beauty posts. I've always loved make up but becoming a mum at 23 meant make up was a luxury and I only bought cheap and cheerful products. It's only been recently that I've treated myself to some decent quality items & actually watched videos to learn how to apply it properly. 

 

So for Christmas I asked for some Morphe brushes - a well respected brand used by professionals. This set was perfect for me - it is blue!

 A beautiful set of 10 brushes. This set was expensive so it has been on my wish list for a while. I also received another item from my wish list - Morphe brushes eyeshadow palette 35K.

 

Now onto Creative Together - myself and Lisa have updated our website to allow us greater function. We can now offer discount codes when we choose to do a promotion, the ordering system is easier & we can now have a far greater quantity of products & photographs.

 

I'm already working on new items myself - developing the football notebooks to include other teams and not just Bristol Rovers.

 Yes - it is red! Had to talk myself into doing this. It doesn't come easy to me you see.

 

Anyway just wanted to pop in to say I am here, I'm still going to use this blog for everything I love. 

 

Here's to a creative, productive and happy 2017!

Take care Zo xx